I have been to three weddings in two years, and on Saturday I’ll be going to my fourth. “Going to” as in “attending as a guest,” mind you. Not as the groom. ANYWAY, without going into much detail (I’m trying to protect privacy here), I’ve been asked to write a back-up ceremony to the next one I’m going to. I said sure, because I like a challenge, and immediately produced one. Apparently, the bride prefers to think of this one as the “fun” one, and not the “legitimate” one. C’est la vie. With her permission, I’ve copy-and-pasted it down here, for all of you to see. Names have been changed to common pseudonyms, but aside from that, it’s all the same.
Let me know if you want me to write your wedding ceremony. I could be tempted.
Friends and family,
We’re gathered here today to witness the union ofÂ Mark Twain and Rita Hayworth, a pair of rad people we all know and like pretty well. Among us may be people you don’t know. In fact, there may be many people you don’t know, but you can be certain that one of these two on the altar probably knows them. We’re all here for Mark and Rita, though, which is really the important part. So if you don’t know someone, don’t worry about it. It’s all good.
As you may know, today is the first day of spring. Spring is a time of renewal, and a time of awesome weather. It’s a time for bunnies and flowers and, above all, love. Love is not only in the air, it is saturating the air. You are breathing love in right now, in fact. Breathe deep. Feels good to breathe in the love, doesn’t it? That’s because love is happy. Love is dancing, and laughter, and being there for each other when the going gets rough. Love is uplifting, like a hot air balloon. And you know what a hot air balloon is? That’s right. Round.
You see, love is like a circle. It has no beginning, no end, and the ratio of its circumference to its diameter is Pi. Speaking of Pi, love is also tasty, just like a pie. It can be sweet like banana cream, full of comforting calories like a whoopie pie, or lightly sprinkled with the cinnamon sugar of devotion like an apple pie. After all, what are pies, but the physical manifestation of the tastiest circle of them all: love. You may be inclined to point out that brownies come in square form, and brownies are also tasty, but beware: rectangular is the shape of lust, which can be fun sometimes, but will never have the supportive crust of love pies.
What we are all witnessing here today is not just the union of two people, but the union of two ingredients. On their own, each of these ingredients is wonderful, but together…together, they become something special. They become a unique pie of love that is greater than the sum of its parts. From the outside, this pie may look like any other pie you may pass on the street, but we all know better. No two pies are exactly the same, because no two mixtures of ingredients are exactly the same. The ingredients we have before us today are a pairing that is unlike any other, and it is a joyful occasion that they found such perfect union together.
Now, without further adeiu, the lovebirds wrote their own vows, so let’s get the rings up here and get this going.
If there are any haters out there who want to try to stop this awesome pie from being made, speak now or forever hold your tongs. No? Most excellent. Then in that case, by the power vested in me by the State of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you dude and dudette. Feel free to smooch.