Normally, I like to try to keep a pretty positive attitude around here. Time with me should be a fun, joyful experience. Or perhaps a thoughtful, introspective one. I’m also willing to accept an experience that amounts to “look at the pretty colors!” But in general I prefer positivity to negativity in what I do. That said, this week’s theme for the Blogenning appears to be “Things I Hate.” Everyone is approaching this in slightly different manners. Here are some of mine.
I might as well warn you now, I’m probably going to end up using much stronger language than I usually do. Well, stronger than I usually use on here, anyway. So if your kid is next to you at the computer, skip this post over. Go look at my pictures from Chihuly or the Arnold Arboretum. Or one of my many fireworks based posts. Just go look at the pretty pictures, and then when your child is gone, continue onward.
The word “Snark” – Fuck. That. Word. If that word had a face, I would punch it while holding a roll of quarters. It is a stupid, shitty word devoid of any worthwhile meaning. It is nothing but a scapegoat word, for people who are being assholes to pretend that they’re just kidding around, so that you’re the one with the humor problem (as opposed to them being the person with an asshole problem). Well fuck that. If I’m being an asshole, I’ll own up to it. Shit, I have before. I refuse to use this word as fervently as I refuse to spray tan or pop my collar. If I could burn it in a fire, that funeral pyre would be six stories high. Why so much fire? To make sure it was gone for good, that’s why. Even the ashes should be turned into carbon gas by the end.
Reality TV – Just…come on. Admit it. Every single goddamn reality TV show is terrible. None of them are actually any good, they’re just terrible to different degrees (for instance, I hear Project Runway would be less terrible than, say, Jersey Shore. But that’s still no excuse). They are shows that lack a soul, nothing but a bunch of shitty executives playing people’s emotions for a quick and easy buck. You don’t need a team of writers when you have a bunch of selfish assholes that are willing to be douchebags for you in front of the camera! Listen, I have not seen the episode of whatever the fuck show you watch, and I’m not going to. So let it go. I do not give a shit who won what or who was voted off where. None of them matter. None. Of. Them. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch one of the myriad of really well written fictional shows that exist out there. Or maybe read. I’m crazy like that.
Militant Anyone – I like a lively debate as much as the next person, especially when there is beer involved. I once got into a spirited discussion with a friend over which Tron movie was better, and in the end I think I just confused myself (and everybody else). But if there is one thing I cannot stand, it’s getting some dogma shoved down my throat. Listen, I’m glad that you found some new way of life, or that being a racist fearmonger raises your quality of life (I’m looking at you, LaRouche), or that you’re trying to save one of a thousand different animals or some obscure country. But here’s the thing. I like eating meat. I’m not homophobic or racist or misogynist (and I work at making sure I don’t let myself slip). I will continue to travel, I will continue to use public transit until I need a car again, and I will continue to not care too much about organic free range nonsense. Do you know why? Because you’re shoving it down my throat. Standing on the street or going after me when I make innocent comments only serves to piss me off, and then I will go stack bacon, chicken and a burger and then eat it in front of orphans just to get back at you. And don’t even get me started on religious assholes. Fuckwits.
Militant Anyone pt 2 – Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these people? If you have a good reason as to why you’re doing something, wait for me to ask and then outline it in an simple way. Show me why you did it for you, and how it’s made your life better. Or do what some local churches do – give me a pamphlet that lets me know you’re there if I’m interested, but no pressure. And say “Have a nice day!” Don’t go on about how eating meat is murder (so is eating plants. They’re living creatures that fight for a place in this world too, jackass (looking at you, PETA)), or how Obama is somehow Hitler, or how my particular religious beliefs/leanings are wrong and stupid. I once was on a picnic with a girl, and she went after me (unprovoked! I was just eating a cracker and she started!) for growing up Irish Catholic, and proceeded to try to make me defend every asshole thing the Church has done in the last 2000 years, and made it clear I was beneath her for ever thinking it was okay to be born into a family that goes to Church on Sundays. What the fuck? Listen, I’m all about live-and-let-live for the most part. If some people do something and it’s not actually a terrible thing (like, say, murdering a dude because he likes to kiss other dudes), then fuck it, who cares? Honestly, who gives half a shit that I have a ham sandwich with me for lunch today? Don’t start in on me about how I’m a terrible person for not conforming to your beliefs, and I won’t call you out for being an asshole. Everyone wins!
Militant Anyone pt 3 – Speaking of lunch, the street corner assholes always try to stop me from making it to a table to eat. They need to stop doing that on a major street that features a bus route. You do not fuck with my lunch time.
Most People on the T – Listen. It’s public transit. We’re all in this shit together, all trying to get home (or to our date, or wherever it is you’re going). People have bags, and boxes, and musical instruments. Here’s what you do. You get on at the front of the train. You pay with whatever method you’re paying with. You walk down to the back of the train (all the way down, now, near the back stairs). If you can grab a seat, do it. Don’t worry, no one thinks less of you for sitting. They’ll think it’s nice there’s more space. Now, if you’re standing, you know what to do when you finally get to your standing spot? You let other people by. I cannot count the amount of times a couple of hipster shitheads (or, really, any shitheads, but I live on out in Brighton so most of my shitheads are college students or hipsters) are standing near the front and blocking everything. I’ve shoved many, many people aside to get to the part of the train that is empty – generally speaking, the entire back 75% of it. So next time you’re on the train, move your shitty self out of the way. Trust me, you’re not nearly as important as you think you are. Oh, and if you’re going to hop on just to go a stop (two at the outside), and it’s not the apocalypse out there, and you’re not an old person, handicapped, or with a small child: fucking. Walk. You can do with the exercise, lardass, and we don’t need you slowing us down even further.
Blog posts that are really long and just kind of waste your time – Seriously, what’s with those?